Looking for Nirvana

(2022-2024)

Looking for Nirvana is a personal journey into non-monogamy and the unexpected self-realisation of childhood trauma. In 2022, after discussions with my boyfriend E, we mutually agreed to explore an open relationship. Our bond would be “the primary”, and any external connections would not develop into love affairs. However, whileI began seeing C and K, E did not pursue external relationships himself. This experience triggered a process of self-reflection, prompting me to confront the impact of my past on my current relationships and self-esteem.

Drawing inspiration from the Sanskrit term Nirvana, as elucidated in Buddhist philosophy, the project signifies the liberation from all forms of suffering. Echoing the sentiments of the Stoic philosopher Seneca, who observed, "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality," this project investigates the complexities of how we imagine our own bodies and minds, and exposes the misperceptions. By sharing my personal struggles, I aim to spark conversations about the female desires, the importance of self-acceptance, and the power of vulnerability.   

Having grown up in Taiwan, where discussions about intimacy are often muted and traditional gender roles are still deeply rooted, along with being raised within a household lacking affection, I find myself grappling with the lasting impact of this upbringing in my adulthood. Looking for Nirvana thus becomes a feminist and introspective exploration, where the boundaries of intimacy are examined through phototherapy and self-reflective text. In my work I search for a path to inner peace, unravelling the complexities of how personal histories affect our lives and reshaping an understanding of love.